Books We Force On Our Friends: A Georgia Nicolson Omnibus

PC: This all started because I can’t sleep on planes.  A few years ago, I was looking for some reading material to pass the time on an upcoming flight to Ireland, and I picked up one of the books in this series because the title was so flingin-flangin intriguing, only to discover that it was a mid-series book.  Not to be deterred, I scoured the table until I found book one in the series.  The flap copy suggested that it would be fun enough to hold my sleep-deprived attention in a cramped coach seat for several hours, and it became my plane reading.  I was not disappointed.  In fact, I was that obnoxious person on the plane who is laughing aloud to herself because her book is hilarious.  And you know that trying to be quiet only makes it worse.  Stifled laughter often becomes snorting and/or choking.  Also, your chair is shaking, waking the person beside you and earning you more than one dirty look.  I wasn’t finished when we landed, so I read it as I walked through customs and all the way to baggage claim, where I plopped down on a comfy piece of floor to read more while we waited on the luggage.  I’m snickering to myself like a crazy person the entire time.  Looking back, my family was probably not amused.  When I got back home, I took this book to Robin Sparkles and told her to abandon whatever she was currently reading in favor of this one, and I went back to the bookstore to pick up the rest of the series. A biblio-love affair was born.

RS: I’d seen the books in the store, been amused by the titles, but never picked one up until PC came back from Ireland with the first installment in hand. It was love at first page. I quickly gorged myself on as much of the series as was out at the time, but it was, for a while, my little secret. How do you explain that you’re basically reading a 14 year old version of Bridget Jones, only funnier and with more made up dances? But slowly, I started telling friends, who often sheepishly admitted that they too were smitten with the books. We waited anxiously for each new chapter in Georgia’s life. We tried to figure out the moves to Let’s Go Down the Disco (later, at a book signing, I would ask Louise Rennison herself to demonstrate the dance). And above all, we became vigilant Georgia advocates, forcing the books into the hands of many, from friends to coworkers to our own moms.

And now, dear reader, we bring Georgia Nicolson to you.

In this, our ultimate guide to all things Georgia, you’ll find a who’s who of the key players of the series and a brief synopsis of each of the ten books, as well as important information like all the different dances featured in the series. So grab your bison horns, put on some lippy, and let’s boogie with the Ace Gang!

The Ace Gang:

The Shakespeare-a-gogo Land Book Covers

  • Georgia: Our groovy heroine. Often suffers from TMBS, but totally embraces the absurdity of the situation and we love her for it.Her goal is always to eschew red bottomosity with a firm hand, but sometimes her lips pucker up involuntarily at the prospect of nip libbling. Does a fabbity fab impression of a lockjaw germ. Enjoys finding new and interesting ways to wear her dreaded school uniform beret, much to the dismay of Hawkeye.
  • Jas: Also known as Radio Jas.  Ramblers Association member.  Georgia’s best friend except when they are ignorez-vous-ing each other. Obsessed with owls. Wears alarmingly big knickers. Constantly flicks fringe, much to Gee’s annoyance.
  • Rosie: Future Viking Bride of Sven. Often dons beard in times of crisis (or times of non-crisis, for that matter). Maddest member of the Ace Gang, and therefore usually our favorite.
  • Ellen: Dithering champion of the Ace Gang. This description is boring, but Ellen is kind of boring. Sorry.
  • Jools & Mabs: The other two members of the Ace Gang. Honestly, even Georgia doesn’t have a lot to say about them. Jools is a little more crazy, Mabs is a little more Jas-esque.

The Lads:

  • Dave the Laugh: Official Horn Advisor and Pantsmeister. As such, he dispenses advice whenever Gee finds herself once again on the rack of love.  He defends Georgia’s honor like a knight in shining whatsit when Mark Big Gob gets handsy. Libby LOBES him (as do we).
  • Robbie: The Sex God.  Not to be confused with the Luuurve God.  Melancholy lead singer of the Stiff Dylans.  Leaves Georgia to go snog marsupials and play his guitar in New Zealand streams.  His presence causes immediate jelloid knees.
  • Masimo: The Luuurve God.  Not to be confused with the Sex God.  See above.  Also known as the Italian Stallion.  New Stiff Dylans frontman when Robbie goes to Kiwi-a-gogo.  He never knows what Georgia is on about, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
  • Sven: Rosie’s exchange student boyfriend.  Possibly from Swedenland.  Enjoys wearing brightly colored flares.  Has been known to wear lipstick.
  • Tom: Jas’ boyfriend and Robbie’s brother.  Alarmingly interested in freely available organic vegetables.  Author of “You Are the Only Fish in My Sea.”
Wets and Wallies:

In honor of the Ace Gang's love of the German language and their delight in the German translation of "snogging."

  • Wet Lindsay:  Georgia’s nemesis.  Sometimes known as Old Thongy.  Known for her tiny forehead and stick insect tendencies.  She is a prefect and delights in handing out bad conduct marks to the Ace Gang.
  • Bummer Twins:  Jackie and Alison.  Serial shoplifters.  Chain smokers.  Regularly bully the Ace Gang into doing illegal and/or inadvisable activities such as practicing levitation.
  • Nauseating P. Green: Plays Nana in the school production of Peter Pan, and takes it very seriously.  Georgia teaches her tricks.  She later plays Lady MacDuff to Georgia’s MacDuff.  She brings her beloved hamster Hammy round to the Nicolson house one day, much to Angus’ delight.

Swiss Family Mad:

  • Mutti:  Has an embarrassing tendency to take Georgia to see handsome Dr. Clooney for things like sticky-out elbows. Often thrusts her huge nungas about with wild abandon. Extremely selfish with her Chanel purse.
  • Vati: O Portly One. A constant embarrassment due to his interest in clown cars and the tiny beard growing on his chin.  Does not understand the importance of phone conversations. Once fell into a badger hole. Shows an unreasonable interest in Gee’s social life and the length of her skirts instead of being a proper parent who gives her money and then leaves her alone.
  • Libby: Mad baby sister. Thinks Georgia is a cat and treats her as such. Often travels with an entourage (Scuba-diving Barbie, Pantalizer doll, Mr. Potato Head, Gordy, etc). Steals baby Jesus from Georgia’s shrine to Robbie and christens him Sandra, thus introducing our FAVORITE joke of the entire series.
  • The Kitty Cats: Angus is top cat extraordinaire, part Scottish wildcat and full-on insane. Enjoys terrorizing the Prat Poodles next door and making a mess of Mr. and Mrs. Next Door’s petunias. Gordy is the offspring of Angus and the neighbors’ show cat and red-bottomed minx of the cat world, Naomi.  Joins his father in terrorizing the neighborhood with the added benefit of a lazy eye. Eventually falls in with the wrong crowd (aka, the Prat Poodles).

1. Angus, Thongs, & Full Frontal Snogging:  Meet Georgia Nicolson, age 14, diarist extraordinaire.  She has not yet grown into her bra.  In a stroke of geniosity, she attends one of Katie Steadman’s many costume parties dressed as a stuffed olive.  Trying to improve her maturiosity, she goes to Peter Dyer (soon to be known as “whelk boy”) for snogging lessons and has an unfortunate stint dating Mark Big Gob of the Mick Jagger mouth.  Attempts at sophisticosity fail when the new blonde streak in her hair breaks off in the Sex God’s hand.  To top it all off, she’s faced with the horror of moving to Kiwi-a-gogo where everyone looks like Rolf Harris.  Erlack!

  • Beret shenanigans:  Sausage beret.

2. On the Bright Side, I’m Now the Girlfriend of a Sex God (original British title: It’s Okay, I’m Wearing Really Big Knickers):  Georgia is saved from the fate of moving to Kiwi A-go-go Land (New Zealand), but manages to get suspended due to an unfortunate incident involving Elvis tripping over his own wheelbarrow. When Robbie breaks up with her via post, she wonders if their relationship was merely a fascimile of a sham or if he really is her one and only. Angus falls in love with the Burmese show cat across the street, much of the chagrin of said cat’s owners.

  • Beret shenanigans: Lunchpack beret.

3. Knocked Out by My Nunga Nungas: Now an OG (official girlfriend), Georgia must abandon the Sex God for a week with her family in Och Aye Land (Scotland), where there is nothing to do but hang out at a 24 hour supermarket. Angus, on the other hand, hears the call of his Scottish roots and spends the trip cavorting with the local wildlife, while Libby adopts a haggis as her new best friend. Gee finally returns to England to find the SG still as snoggable as ever. So why does she find herself accidentally snogging her former red-herring, Dave the Laugh? Egads and erlack!

  • Beret shenanigans: Glove animal beret. Also a brief period of wearing them like proper French girls due to the hot new French teacher.
  • New dances: Only Georgia’s dance moves in front of someone who she thinks is a record producer but who turns out to be the dad of one of the members of the Stiff Dylans. Whoops.

4. Dancing in My Nuddy-Pants While Georgia and Rosie are serving time for bad conduct marks (due to their girlish high spirits) by helping with Peter Pan, they discover how amusing theatrical fur can be.  It really helps pass the time between wrangling Wet Lindsay’s stick insect legs in and out of her tights and teaching P. Green new tricks for her role as Nana.  Naomi’s kittens are born on Christmas day, and Angus is the father, which puts a bit of a damper on Mr. and Mrs. Across the Road’s holiday celebration.  DTL introduces Georgia to the Horn, and Robbie begins to exhibit some alarming behavior by trading his Mini for a secondhand bike and striking up a conversation about New Zealand with Vati.  Hells bells.

  • Beret shenanigans: Glove animal with snow blindness.  Enormous comedy berets from the class trip to gay Paree with Gorgey Henri.
  • New dances: Advent of Let’s Go Down the Disco dancing.  Georgia lets herself flow free and wild by dancing around the house in the nuddy pants.

5. Away Laughing on a Fast Camel (original British title: And That’s When It Fell Off in My Hand): With her Sex God rambling around New Zealand (and writing her really crap letters about vegetables and rogue bores), Georgia’s life is in shambles. Things only get worse when she discovers that her Horn Advisor Dave the Laugh has a new girlfriend. Fortunately, just as life is becoming sheer desperadoes for Gee, distraction arrives in the form of a brand new, half-Italian Luurve God named Masimo.

  • Beret shenanigans: None. The girls are too busy practicing the moves in How to Make Any Twit Fall in Love with You to bother with their berets.
  • New dances: A brief bit of celebritory dancing involving lots of hip wiggling and finger pointing.

6.  Then He Ate My Boy Entrancers: Georgia and Jas vacation in Memphis with Gee’s parents and Uncle Eddie for a clown car convention, where they are frightened by the smiliness and friendliness of Americans.  Gingham-clad Robin Reliant aficionados teach Libby the word “fanny,” which is not as inoffensive in Shakespeare-a-gogo as it in the land of the Hamburgerese.  Upon her return to Merrie England, Georgia FINALLY goes out with Masimo, and it is fabby, but the fly in the ointment is ever Wet Lindsay, and Masimo’s inexplicable interest in her.  Georgia takes the bull by the horns and tells the Italian Stallion that she wants to be his one and only, throwing herself onto the rack of love once again.  The school production of MacUseless is also underway, with the addition of the Foxwood lads, and hence Dave the Laugh, who introduces the hilarious PANTS joke.

  • New dances: American bison disco inferno, performed wearing horns.

7.  Startled by His Furry Shorts: Stalag 14’s production of MacUseless rolls alarmingly along with Elvis on high conflagration alert and P. Green accidentally setting off the starting pistol used for battle sound effects.  Meanwhile, Rosie and Sven begin planning their Viking wedding five years ahead of time, and Lindsay gets unfortunate octopus extensions, making her even more wet and horrible than usual.  Just in case any of Georgia’s acquaintances were under the impression that she has a normal family, Mutti and Vati throw an impromptu tarts & vicars ABBA party during which Vati sets his mustache alight.   To top it all off, Robbie comes back from Kiwi-a-gogo just as Masimo agrees to be Georgia’s girlfriend.  It’s no wonder that the sight of Sven’s furry shorts drives her to hide out in the tarts’ wardrobe until the shock wears off.

  • New dances: sailor’s hornpipe, Viking wedding disco inferno, added sniff to the new and improved Viking bison disco inferno.  Dave, Rollo, and Tom participate, and Dave improvises by jumping into Georgia’s arms.

8. Love is a Many Trousered Thing (Original British Title: Luuurve is a Many Trousered Thing):  Georgia’s been to the cakeshop of lurve and accidentally left with two boyfriends! Not only does she have her Italian Stallion, Masimo, on the line, but the Sex God himself is back from Kiwi-A-Go-Go land. And why can’t she stop thinking about her Horn Advisor/best boy mate, Dave the Laugh? If life weren’t complicated enough, the ace gang accidentally talks their German teacher into taking them on a camping trip, mad Uncle Eddie decides to become a stripper, and no one in her careers class can tell Gee anything about become a beekeeper/backup singer. Sacre bloody bleu!

  • New dances: Snot disco inferno.

9. Stop in the Name of Pants!: Poor Gee. Her Luurrve God is in Pizza-A-Go-Go land and her parents are too busy fighting to give her the money (or permission) to go visit him. Her beloved furry pal, Angus, has been hit by a car. And she engaged in some ad-hoc snogging with the Hornmeister on her school’s camping trip, a fact that must go with her to the grave if she is to ever be the one and only of an Italian pop star. When her Italian Stallion and Dave the Laugh are almost driven to fisticuffs over her, Georgia must decide who she’s really meant to be with.

  • New dances: Viking Hornpipe Extravaganza, as debuted at Sven’s DJing gig. Performed with furry earmuffs, horns, mittens, and paddles to such classic Viking tunes as “Jingle Bells” and the theme to Eastenders. Land ahoy!!!
  • Beret shenanigans: Glove animals reinvented!

10. Are These My Basoomas I See Before Me?: Who will Georgia wind up with? Will Mutti and Vati ever stop fighting? And most importantly, will Jas have to snog Wet Lindsay (ooo-er!)?

What, did you think we were actually going to tell you what happens in the very last book? We’re vair vair tired from all this reading – must we do everything for you?

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About Princess Consuela

Princess Consuela dropped the Bananahammock after her husband Crap Bag defined that word for her. She has excellent insight about Wuthering Heights, and she'll embarrass you in front of everyone if you pass said insight off as your own. She also lent her name as a good luck charm to Susanne Sugarbaker in an Atlantic City casino when Susanne needed money to get revenge on swindler Reggie Mac Dawson. View all posts by Princess Consuela

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