Books We Force on Our Friends: ALL CAPS HARRY IS MY HOMEBOY edition

I feel like I should start by telling you a bit about my relationship with Harry. Yes, we are on a first name basis. I don’t exactly remember how I first found Harry Potter. The first three books were just in my house. Either my mom brought them back from a conference, or my sister bought them on a whim and left them laying around. Whoever it was… THANKS!

Needless to say, I became hooked, along with my sisters and my dad. When it came time for the Goblet of Fire to come out, my dad pre-ordered a copy for me and my two sisters and took us to the bookstore the day it came out. This is when I first felt the cruel bitterness of being a kid without a job and therefore not able to buy my own copy. I had to wait for my sisters to read it first, which was excruciating, especially since I seem to remember my younger sister actually sleeping with the book so I couldn’t even steal it from her. When The Order of the Phoenix came out, I was in college surrounded by people who also read Harry Potter, which just meant that I was at the midnight release for books five and six.

Then there was The Deathly Hallows and my best friend had the nerve to get married in the middle of no-where Ohio the weekend it came out! I drove all the way from Atlanta with the promise that he would get my book at midnight for me to have when I arrived. He had the book alright, but wouldn’t let me have it and HELD IT HOSTAGE, saying I needed sleep and could have it in the morning. JERK. However, at breakfast, we all took turns reading chapters out loud and had a really lovely morning together with Harry. The rest of the weekend was so busy though, that I didn’t have a chance to finish the book before getting back to Atlanta. I knew I had to finish it before going into work, because everyone would have finished and what if someone accidentally let slip the end and my years of waiting to find out what happened were RUINED in a second of carelessness?! I decided I was going to go to the local coffee shop and finish the book and then go to work. I didn’t have much left to read. I got my latte, found a comfy chair and opened the book. That is about when I became the insane person in the coffee shop crying by myself over a book because FRED DIED! HOW DO YOU KILL A TWIN?! Then HARRY (sort of) DIES TOO AND HE IS SURROUNDED BY THIS SITUATION THAT IS JUST TOO BIG FOR HIM AS HE IS ONLY A KID AND ALL HE WANTS IS HIS MOM AND OH MY GOD J.K. ROWLING HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!? Mid freak-out a nice girl working that morning walked up to me with a free espresso, patted me on the shoulder and said, “Don’t worry. It will be ok. Keep reading. I finished last night.” And then it truly hit me how HUGE Harry Potter was and what a universal experience reading these books had become. It is mind-boggling.

I’ve read and re-read the Harry Potter series more times than I can count, but Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix remains my favorite. I’ve read it more than any of the other books. To keep from rambling on too much longer, I am simply going to give you my reasons for why this Harry Potter book is better than all the other Harry Potter books.

  • The Order of the Phoenix, duh. Secret crime fighting wizard societies make everything better. If only they had super hero outfits.
  • Professor Umbridge is clearly the best villain in the series. Sorry Voldemort. You have been defeated by cutesy kitten plates, frilly pink bows, and torture. I’m not talking unoriginal Cruciatus torture either. Everyone does that. That is so 1985. I’m talking carving shit into your hands and making you write with your own blood kind of torture. Also, she has pointed teeth. POINTED TEETH! How had I forgotten this?! Is she one of those crazy people that files their teeth into points, or was she just born evil? Either way, I keep picturing her as The Gormogon from Bones, which is kind of gross since Gromogon was a serial killer who liked to eat peoples flesh off of their bones (hence the pointy teeth). Maybe Umbridge is kidnapping and eating children? I bet the Ministry is in on it. Moving on…
  • We finally get a peek inside the Ministry of Magic. The elevator ride through the building was one of my favorite details in the books. “Level seven, Department of Magical Games and Sports, incorporating the British and Irish Quidditch League Headquarters, Official Gobstones Club, and Ludicrous Patents Office.” What the hell goes through the Ludicrous Patents Office?! In my head they make jokes about going ludicrous speed all day. I bet they have all gone to plaid.
  • There is mention of a fire-breathing chicken. Move aside dragons, because FIRE-BREATHING CHICKENS EXIST IN THIS WORLD! (No joke. Page 129.)
  • We finally learn Dumbledore’s full name and it lives up to all of my expectations. He always looked like a Brian to me.
  • This is the first book where a good chunk of it takes place outside of Hogwarts. We get Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, The Ministry of Magic (more importantly, THE DEPARTMENT OF MYSTERIES), St. Mungo’s Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. All of this helps to flesh out the world, which is why this series is so successful. It helps explain how wizards can exist next to humans but still know so little about them and have almost no interaction with them.
  • Dumbledore’s Army… greatest invention EVER. Harry really starts to come into his own as a leader and the students begin to fully realize their potential. It helps lay the ground work for battles in later books so that you avoid that moment of, “Whatever. That is so not possible. They are like 15 years old.” DUMBLEDORE’S ARMY BITCHES! KICKING ASS SINCE 1995! (Yes, I know the book came out after 1995. It came out in 2003 the be exact. It was 1995 in the books.)
  • Neville Longbottom. Do I really have to say more? Ok. Fine. Neville is forever under appreciated, but endlessly fabulous. I also really loved the scene at St. Mungo’s where we meet his parents and his mom gives him a candy wrapper and instead of throwing it away he slips it into his pocket. SADNESS FOREVER. This book really starts to highlight the Neville-Harry parallels that are touched on throughout the series. It could have easily been Neville in Harry’s place.
  • Continuing on with the fabulousness of secondary characters… this is where we get to meet Luna Lovegood. Is she crazy? Maybe. Do I want to read more about her? Absolutely! Besides… sometimes she knows what she is talking about. Maybe not when it comes to the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, but she was totally on base with the Thestrals. Also, I want to write for The Quibbler.
  • Severus Snape. This book solidified him as my favorite character. Through his Occlumency lessons with Harry, we start to get an idea of what his life has been like (& how much of a douche he can really be!). He is easily the most complex character in the books and oddly sympathetic. It is fascinating to me how someone so mean can still be so accessible as a character.
  • Great words like “taradiddles,” “dither,” and “asperity” are used. The books really start to mature, as well as Rowling’s writing. I also very much appreciate that she doesn’t dumb down her books for her audience. Too often I think authors underestimate the intelligence of their readers.
  • Sirius dies… now let me clarify before you tell me I suck and that I am totally heartless. I was DEVASTATED when Sirius died. I thought that Rowling was being an asshole. How do you kill a kids parents and then KILL HIS GODFATHER TOO?! On the other hand, it set a precedent for the rest of the series that no one was safe. Anyone could be killed off whether they were important or not. I think that this really added to the level of dread that builds up, because you honestly have no clue who is going to make it through all seven books.
  • First date awkwardness. Poor Harry. A guy just can’t catch a break, can he?
  • Kreacher. I love his snide remarks. I kind of wish the whole book had notes in the margins from Keacher. Scholastic should get on that. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Keacher Edition. I am a genius.
  • House Elves let Hermione know how dumb S.P.E.W. is. I appreciate that Hermione wants to do good and help create equality, I just didn’t really care for the S.P.E.W. storyline much.
  • I find it funny how the girls are all in love with Firenze because he is supposedly so hot. He’s half horse, which means he is not hot & he can’t have sex with you.
  • We get to learn about how giants live, where Hagrid came from, and we meet Gwarp, who just might kill you.
  • Weasley’s Wizard Wheezes comes into existence. You could see it coming through all of this books, but they actually make it happen in this one. I LOVE Fred and George and how nonchalant they are about wrecking havoc on first years so that they have testers for their Skiving Snackboxes. Also, they are geniuses for recognizing that people need humor when THE WORLD AS THEY KNOW IT IS ENDING.
  • Nagini will eat your face off.

I’m not going to lie. I could keep going, but I think that I have made a solid argument as to why Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is the best book in the series. Did I forget your favorite part? Leave it in the comments to set me straight. You think I am WRONG about this being the best HP book? I am still happy to have you set me straight in the comments. I will now leave you with some POTTER PUPPET PALS: WIZARD ANGST!


About SwordMistressofMeleeIsland

I am a pirate princess and Governor of Melee Island. I live a quiet life of looting and pillaging with my plunder bunny, Guybrush Threepwood. (I also enjoy reading. A lot. Any book will do.) View all posts by SwordMistressofMeleeIsland

14 responses to “Books We Force on Our Friends: ALL CAPS HARRY IS MY HOMEBOY edition

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